Wrestling with God



Jacob Wrestling with the Angel by Alexander Louis Leloir

Ave Maria! Today's first reading from the book of Genesis, verses 23-33, depicts the well-known wrestling match between God and Jacob. After 20 years of serving his mother’s brother Laban, Jacob is returning home with his two wives, two maidservants, eleven children and various and assorted baggage. Having brought them all across the ford of Jabbok, he is left there alone. "Then some man wrestled with him until the break of dawn." When day broke, the man told Jacob to let him go. "But Jacob said, "I will not let you go until you bless me.'"

Is this not the landscape of prayer? When I go to pray, I cross the ford of my life and am left alone with God. What shall I say to this God of mine before whom I stand naked and vulnerable? Does it really matter as long as I am honest with Him who is Truth Itself? Should I not tell Him what He already knows -- even and perhaps especially so when I am weary of life, tired of doing good, disgusted with myself, doubtful of Him, aching for deliverance for myself and my loved ones from all our problems and sufferings? In a Palm Sunday homily a couple of years ago, Pope Benedict XVI reminded us that "We too can grumble before the Lord, like Job, we can present him with all the pleas that arise within us when we are faced with the injustice of the world and the difficulty of our own 'I'. When we come before him, we must not take refuge in pious phrases, in a world of make-believe. Praying always also means struggling with God, and like Jacob, we can say to him: 'I will not let you go, unless you bless me!' (Gen 32:26)."

This Scripture passage from Genesis was a pivotal one for me in January 1980 when I was privileged to make a 30-day Ignatian retreat. It was a time of great inner turmoil for me, and I felt terribly overwhelmed by it all. A year and a half before, I had joined a new religious community of women -- a pious union, it was called -- and it had been thrilling to be part of its very beginnings. I was 28 years old and full of enthusiasm for God, the Church, religious life, and our setting forth together into consecrated life. But early on I began to have some misgivings about the leadership of this community. At first I dismissed them, thinking that maybe I was expecting too much or possibly reading into things, which is a tendency of mine. As time went on, however, I began to realize that my misgivings were well-founded and that this community was not a healthy place for me to be. But I had given up everything to be part of it! And I had been so sure that God had been calling me to this life and this community! So for thirty long days and nights I wrestled with God. I would not let go until He blessed me.

And He blessed me! Oh, how richly and abundantly He blessed me! Then, now and always, God blesses me!  After wrestling with God, Jacob paid the price and ended up with a limp.  I have my limp as well, but I am convinced that I would have been much more crippled and maybe even paralyzed if I had remained in a living situation that was obviously harming rather than helping me.  Halfway through my long retreat I discerned that God was calling me to leave this place, which I did once my retreat ended.  (Happy to report, the local Church eventually dissolved this pious union.)  I still struggled with God, though, as I finished out my retreat because my discernment raised many other issues that I had yet to contend with. So we wrestled some more, God and me. And we still do, over 30 years later.

Once upon a time, I was afraid to struggle with God. Now I know I have nothing to fear for, if I hold on tight and don't let go of Him, He will bless me.  And I will bless HIM -- for ever and ever!  ALLELUIA!

So I will bless you all my life,

in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul shall be filled as with a banquet,

my mouth shall praise you with joy.

Psalm 63:5-6