Sometimes I consult the dictionary just to remind myself what a word means. Today the word is the adjective "cross." One dictionary defines it as showing ill humor or being annoyed. And they mean...
ill humor -- an irritable state of mind; surliness
annoyed -- aroused to impatience or anger
Oh dear! Is this how I am when I am cross with my crosses? Surly? Angry? I see pride lurking there -- or perhaps I should say lurking in my heart. Mea culpa...
It's not all about me. It's about the Lord, Jesus Crucified, walking with Him the road to Calvary, sharing in His Passion so as to enter more fully into His Resurrection, sharing also in the sufferings of my brothers and sisters and not making crosses for them by being so cross with my own.
One Lent, that was a question that arose in my reading, or maybe it was a workshop or talk I attended. Whatever, it's a good question for all seasons, not just for Lent. "Do I make crosses for other people?" Yes, sometimes I do. And one way is by being cross with my crosses, grumbling and complaining about them to anybody who will listen, which is almost always an invitation to them to join my pity party. Or maybe I don't say anything to anyone, but I think that enough is enough, I don't need this particular cross, I have enough to carry as it is, why me, and other such self-pitying things.
There it is again -- pride. ...mea culpa, mea maxima cupla!
"For I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate... Miserable one that I am! Who will deliver me from this mortal body? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Rom 7:15, 24-25)
Dear Jesus, gentle and humble of heart, teach me how to carry my cross, with You and for You. "Put a steadfast spirit within me...give me again the joy of Your help" (Ps 50). And Lord, please deliver me from myself! Amen.
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